Recommended reading and resources
Most recommended reading lists in poly spaces point you to the same handful of books and podcasts. Some of those resources are useful. Some of them built the framework this site exists to challenge. This page is honest about both.
Some sections are still being curated. We'd rather leave a gap than recommend something we can't stand behind. If you have suggestions for resources that belong here, contribute directly.
Finding a therapist
If you want professional support, look for a therapist who understands non-monogamy, not one who'll spend your sessions questioning your relationship structure.
How to find one:
- The Psychology Today therapist directory lets you filter for "Open Relationships Non-Monogamy" under Client Focus. This filter exists because of advocacy by the APA's Committee on Consensual Non-Monogamy (Division 44, established 2018). Research by Schechinger, Sakaluk, & Moors (2018) found that roughly 1 in 5 CNM clients rated their therapist as lacking basic knowledge of their relationship style.
- Open Path Collective: Affordable therapy marketplace where you can search for poly-affirming practitioners.
- Word of mouth: Ask in community spaces for recommendations. Often the most reliable way to find someone who actually gets it.
What to look for in a therapist:
- They don't treat your relationship structure as the problem
- They have experience with non-monogamous clients (ask directly)
- They can work with multiple-partner dynamics without defaulting to couple-centric models
- They don't assume your relationship should become monogamous
Online communities
- r/polyfidelity: For people in closed multi-partner relationships. Smaller and more focused than general poly subreddits.
- r/throuples: Community for people in three-person relationships of all kinds.
:::note Know a welcoming space? If you know of a Discord server, forum, or other community where people can discuss multi-person relationships without getting lectured about their structure, contribute and let us know. :::
Books
This section is under construction. We want to recommend books we can genuinely stand behind, not just repeat the standard list because everyone else does. For resources we'd actively steer you away from, see below.
:::note Recommend a book If you've read something that actually helped you build a healthier multi-person relationship, we want to hear about it. Share your recommendations via contribute. :::
Podcasts
Also under construction.
:::note Recommend a podcast If there's a podcast that gave you practical, non-judgmental tools for your relationships rather than lectures about which structures are acceptable, share it via contribute. :::
Resources we don't recommend
These are popular, widely referenced resources in poly spaces. We're listing them because they contain frameworks, assumptions, or community dynamics that actively work against the people this site exists to help. Each entry explains specifically what the problem is.
More Than Two (both editions)
The first edition (2014, Franklin Veaux & Eve Rickert) was for years the most influential book in polyamory. It systematized "couples privilege" as a core concept, argued that veto power and prescriptive hierarchy should be avoided whenever possible, and popularized the principle that each person's emotional reactions are entirely their own responsibility.
In 2019, ten former partners of co-author Franklin Veaux, including Rickert herself, published accounts of emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and financial exploitation spanning decades. The framework Veaux co-authored was part of the pattern: the principle that partners' distress is their own to manage became a tool for dismissing legitimate harm. The axiom about not treating people as things was written by someone who, according to multiple independent accounts, did exactly that. Rickert herself acknowledged that the original toolkit was incomplete, heavily skewed toward their own dynamic, and that it became abusive.
The second edition (2024, Rickert & Andrea Zanin) is a substantial rewrite that addresses the abuse and adds material on accountability. But the core framework persists: couples privilege as a central concern, skepticism toward hierarchy and closed structures, and a lens that defaults to the existing couple as the source of problems. That lens is the foundation of the orthodoxy this site challenges.
unicorns-r-us.com
The essay that became the standard "read this before you date as a couple" link across poly communities. Originally posted on LiveJournal in 2012 by David Noble, republished as a website in 2014.
The core problem: it collapses three completely different situations under one label. A couple looking for casual group sex, a couple genuinely building a committed relationship with a new partner, and a couple treating someone as disposable all get called "unicorn hunting." No distinction between structure, intent, or behavior. The label is the verdict.
Johnston (2022/2024) documented in peer-reviewed research how this resource functions as a gatekeeping tool in poly communities, used to dismiss anyone interested in couple-based dating before anyone evaluates their actual conduct.1 Our sister site, unicorns-r-us-is-bullshit.com, exists specifically to challenge this framing.
⚠️ r/polyamory
The largest polyamory subreddit. Also, by peer-reviewed documentation, one of the most hostile online spaces for anyone interested in dating as a couple or forming a triad.
Johnston (2022/2024) conducted a discourse analysis of r/polyamory and found that people interested in couple-based dating are systematically treated as an out-group. They are stigmatized, told they aren't ready for polyamory, and subjected to gatekeeping that recreates the exact relational policing the community claims to oppose. A community built on relational freedom enforces its own hierarchy of acceptable configurations.1
If you post about wanting a closed triad, dating as a couple, or being someone considering dating an existing couple, expect hostility before anyone asks how you're actually treating each other.
This isn't opinion. It's documented in a peer-reviewed journal.
r/nonmonogamy has significant community overlap with r/polyamory and carries the same gatekeeping patterns. Expect similar hostility toward couple-based dating and closed relationship structures.
:::note Know a resource that belongs on this list? If you've encountered a book, website, podcast, or community space that pushes the same orthodoxy (structure is ethics, couples are suspect, certain configurations aren't valid), let us know via contribute. :::
Related reading
- Key studies on non-monogamy: What the research found, where the gaps are, and why it matters
- Terminology and language guide: The words used in these discussions and why they matter
- Getting started: If you're new to all of this